If I tell you guys I’m a fucking sap would you believe me? Would you believe that I have fantasties of saving the world, of going to impoverished places (including here in the US) and helping people see their true value? If I told you I spent one election year convincing people in a ghetto to vote, telling young black girls they were intelligent and beautiful, and bargaining discounts for good grades (I worked retail) would you think I was lying?
Because sometimes I think I do lie; about who I am and what I stand for. As a little girl, I couldn’t listen to some songs without breaking down into tears because it hurt to think there were people in the world who hurt so much, who felt so helpless, who had to endure pains I could never imagine. I was an idealist. I wanted to save and give and give and give until nothing was left of me but the memory that I had given all I could.
And as I got older, this attitude of complete giving, of unconditional love, of empathy that seemed to fuck up things more than it helped, got pushed to the back since I ended up being more hurt by it than anything else. I want to hate my enemies. I don’t want to forgive them and have them talk to me and tell me how they really feel.
I want to actually feel good in relishing in someone’s suffering, not think of ways their suffering mirrors some of my own. I want to be calloused and cruel because it’s easier, in my opinion, to not care. It’s easier to become hardened and with age, I’ve found that while I am no longer weepy and sentimental, that nagging feeling of not doing enough eats at me every day.
Nagging and petulant.
So I’ll say this here and now; sometimes I listen to “Heal the World” because I think the song channels something in me that makes me remember one of the few things I’ve cared about. One of the few things that makes me donate time and money, makes me militant and refuse to back down, makes me someone who has faced barbed tongues and raised fists; because I love too much and too hard and I wish I didn’t, but sometimes it’s nice to think that there’s nothing wrong with loving too hard.