I think this picture pretty rightly outlines how I am feeling right now and I don’t know if it’s Mercury retrograde, feeling like I’m broke (when I’m not), first-year marriage blues, or being disenchanted with any and every fucking little thing that exists right now.
Most of my readers probably know that I work a, rather cushy, job where I am paid to criticize an IT department. Well that isn’t enough for me now, especially since I’m looking to get part time work as a waitress to supplement my income. I make enough where I should be comfortable, but with most of my money going to saving, investing, retirement, and paying bills (always gotta pay yourself first *manic laughter*) I don’t feel like I make enough. Waitressing will not only afford me flexibility, but will also put cash in my hand just about 2-3 times a week, which will be great for light shopping or throwing some extra duckets into my investment account. I’ll be heading to the chain restaurant across the main road from me tomorrow and I will, hopefully, leave with a second job under my belt and the hope that they won’t keep me in training for longer than 2 shifts. *crosses fingers*
I’ve also begun my volunteer relationship with The Open Hearth Foundation after having wonderful meet and greets with current members of the board. I figured it’s time to put some of my time into where my opinions go and, as far as I’m concerned, every good non-profit needs normal people who haven’t turned their religions into their professions as part of their behind-the-scenes.
Not that there is anything wrong with being a professional pagan, just being a pagan professional tends to mean you have resources (and skills) that are needed in a community still building itself out of the hippie period so many of our forefathers cut their teeth on. To that, I’ll be moving the Theologica Symposium to the OHF for the foreseeable future in hopes of getting more dialogue and interplay between different types of pagans/magicians in this area.
All in all, I should be excited, no ecstatic. I should be orgasmic right now typing out all of the awesome plans I have for the near future; how wonderfully my life has fallen into place, how amazingly supportive my husband is despite him despising the pagan community as a whole and thinking me doing any kind of volunteer work within it is a waste of time. I know his sentiments but, even with all of that, he attempts to share my enthusiasm. And yet, for some strange reason, I am completely ‘meh’ about it all. Apathetic. Restless. 28 and counting. Bitter. Sober. Fucking Nonchalant. It’s that sensation of “Well if this is life, life sucks.” for no reason other then realizing you’ve reached a plateau Maybe that peak is ‘adulthood’ or ‘maturity’ or ‘having bills to pay.’ But I can’t stand it and I want out of this valley ASAP if you please.
I’ve sank myself into research, drinking, studying, drinking, and tracking stocks/ETFs as a way of blocking out the nagging displeasure that seems to hang onto my waking moments. Whether this is just me needing a bigger dose of happy meds or the general doldrums of life I don’t know.
But, for now, I will blame it on Mercury Retrograde and plead with Hermes, and all who would listen, to help me understand the whats and whys of my now.
Because I don’t fucking get it at all.