I am not a Lokean. Let me repeat this, I am not a Lokean. My dealings with the Norse pantheon tend to be far and few between. That’s mainly do to my own discomfort with being a black woman and interfacing with gods who have been more-or-less coopted as for the Whitest of the Europeans despite this kind of not being the case. Whatever, I have 30 years of American White-Supremacist and Revisionist history to erase from my mind when it comes to these gods.
Actually don’t sue me since I’m about to be going through a divorce.
Art and symbols often converge to create magic or religion or both depending on the situation. At the top of this year I came across a picture of old Flame-Hair and Sigyn that was just plain nifty and decided to use it as my desktop wallpaper at work. What? You act like you don’t spend about 1/3 of your desk-job surfing Pinterest and reading Rune Soup.
So I got to spend 6 months explaining my “golly gee” art selection to innocent help desk techs and the random stranger who felt the need to stop in my cube because apparently I just have “one of those faces.” I also got to spend these same months caught in two reorgs, having three different managers, being reminded by a mentor that, off the record, I’m still black in corporate America and need to “play the game”, having the most duplicitous and passive-aggressive piece of New Jersey scum (aka my boss) decide to formally reprimand me for a polite but honest email, and then have said reprimand revoked just so I can transfer to a new department with a new manager. Many thanks HR and Happy 2014.
You don’t have to believe in Loki for him to believe in you…I guess. And it’s not even that I didn’t believe in him, it’s that I didn’t believe in him needing to be in my business like a recurring UTI.
But out of all of this tumult I came to some startling realizations about myself; like that I have no desire to be an analyst anymore. That the most pleasing faces can hide some very insidious natures. That sometimes I really just need to hex a motherfucker and that sometimes what isn’t said is louder than all manner of explanation and what is done can convey a message quite clearly all on its own.
With this fuckery of a yeatr tucked into my proverbial belt, Lucifer returned to his position on my monitor as he is prone to do (along with Dionysos) during my artistic cycling. Bear in mind this wasn’t so much because I felt I had learned some kind of lesson. It was more because I was scared to death that Loki’s continued presence in my office space would mean even more upheaval I was not prepared for.
My 30th birthday was spent playing Axis and Allies with my secondary partner and watching Pride and Prejudice while openly crying at the happy parts. I came home to the realization that I didn’t want to be here/there anymore and this sensation had been with me for quite some time. My unhappiness had led to a plethora of decisions that were totally against my best interest and led to increasing health problems and a feeling of emotional emptiness that could only be filled by booze and Destiel fanfiction.
So one week after Lu’s reassertion I tell my husband I think it’s best I move out and take a loan out on my 401k. My apartment is picked. All’s that’s left to do is pack, prepare, and pray.
The truth will set you free.
But breaking self-imposed shackles is always a bitch.
So instead of being bitter or blaming my partner for 5 years of life that were pretty good all-in-all I have to admit that HE didn’t change but I did. It’s not that I want MORE of anything. It’s more that I want something different, simpler, and a hell of a lot less emotionally draining. I need to be in a space/realm of my own.
But most of all, I need to freedom to BE ME in my mercurial. ecstatic, and energetic entirety without the constant sensation of letting someone down. And sometimes I just need silence.
Dionysos had been strangely silent during this long coming collapse. But then in my peripheral, on the edge of my mind between what I sometimes think is just my own voice and that Voice that whispers throaty truths…
They’ll take you out of the mountains and show you civilized men
And you’ll sit for awhile to spin and weave , the abandon of youth tempered by wisdom
But eventually you will want to come to the mountains again
Come to me again
And they will say you cannot serve two masters
Because to them you are a slave